How was 2019 for everyone?
It was a year of healing and growing for me. My highlights were definitely my experience in working in a youth justice residence, my new full time job as an activities coordinator in a lovely arts organisation, and me patching things up with my jedi knight in, uh, glowing ??? armor?? Anyway. Here is my essay writing contest entry for 2019.
I am ending my 2019 and starting 2020 in the Philippines – together with my family, my boyfriend, and all that jazz. To be home for the holidays is an immigrant’s dream. When I told my Filipino acquaintances in Rotorua that I am going home for the holidays, I was given the envious ‘Hala, buti pa siya.’ Don’t get me wrong, I am happy that I am in that stage in my journey where I am allowed to take a break. I am even more grateful that I was allowed to take that length of a leave and see my family after two years. But my holidays this year made me realise that I have created some traditions that I have followed for the last two years, some beliefs, mga tuo-tuo. And me being unable to follow them this year made me oh so frustrated.
The last two holidays alone were probably the most salient ones to me – I spent them (technically) alone in New Zealand. Before NZ, the holidays have all been the same so I guess they didn’t matter much to me. In fact, I probably dreaded them! Call me a grinch, but holidays meant that we will be seeing people. I am not overly introverted, but I do enjoy my alone time. And that was how I spent my holidays in 2017 and 2018 – they were my alone times I dedicated to reflecting on my past year and my future goals.
I loved those moments! They made me appreciate the year that passed and got me focused on what I want to achieve in the next year. It was therefore imperative for me to be with myself, especially after my shifts (because I usually worked during Christmas and New Years in the last two years). I believed that I am better prepared for the coming year if I keep that ‘tradition’ going. I believed my year will start off great if I keep up this routine. To be honest, the last two years were not the easiest, but I felt like I had the strength to overcome the challenges because I started the year right and reflective.
However, because I haven’t been home for two years, I had a few hang outs and reunions. From the moment I landed, I have schedules and party dates to keep – mostly from my relatives. (Just a random thought, are Filipinos just bad at small talk or have I just gotten properly fat – that was all my relatives could talk about. And my dollars, of course). While I am thrilled to be seeing my family, and my friends especially, I am starting to feel a fatigue. I feel like I have deeply broken my routine and now feel a frustration because I am unable to follow it.
As I am typing this, my dad and my boyfriend are trying to suss out the karaoke remote control so we can have a bit of music while we prepare for the New Years. I am also trying to sniff in my running snot from an imminent fatigue-induced cold I am experiencing. New Zealand just greeted 2020. Writing this down, I find it quite wholesome and cute. But at the back of my head, I am pining for the New Zealand New Year celebration. The one where I am working on the first of January so I can’t be staying up too late? The one where I get to see the fireworks at 12am then just go home and sleep? The one where I had a few moments to ruminate and reflect before the new year barges into my timeline? Yeah, I miss that.
Ungrateful. That is what I am. I could be happy being here in my motherland enjoying karaoke and a cold bottle of beer with my family and boyfriend, but I chose to think of New Zealand and how much I miss my holidays there. And all because I could not stick to my self-serving traditions that I have only just developed. Akong mg tuo-tuo ang nakapasapot nako karong bag-ong tuig. I realise not just this New Year though, I believed in things I shouldn’t have that ultimately took a toll on my overall wellness in 2019 (like how I think I am super undeserving of my amazing full time job, but that’s a discussion for another time).
So, for 2020, I would like to lessen my dependence on my tuo-tuo. Not just in the routines that I strongly hold and follow (reflecting and creating on the holidays), but also in beliefs I hold about myself that greatly affect my drive (I am talentless, fat, and overall unworthy). I could use to learn how to better handle myself for when these routines and beliefs are being upset, eh? And I know I have set this as a goal for 2019 as well, but I would like to continue being grateful, to appreciate everything that I have and had. To appreciate myself more. And appreciate the fact that I am seeing 2020, though with less than 20/20 vision. (Overdone joke, anyone?). I honestly didn’t think I get to live this long.
For starters, I am gonna get off my tablet and appreciate the time I have with my ageing dad and my ever supportive boyfriend.
But thank you to everyone reading my blog! I hope you all enjoy the slow decline of my writing skills and coherence in my blog posts. To everyone who has been part of my 2019, thank you very much. I couldn’t have made it without you all. And to everyone I have blocked out in social media (and in my life) for 2019, stay there, thanks!
But above all, I am massively thankful to the whanau I found in Rotorua who have welcomed me in their lovely whenua. I can’t wait to see you all. And to the family and friends I have returned to for the holidays – I am happy to see you all well and healthy. I will see you all again soon. Navigating in two worlds and spaces sure is tough!
Happy New Year, everyone! Always take care.
Ink-onstipated 